I can't comprehend this new phase of life of mine, where I keep listing and keep forgetting things I want to do, only to realise when it's too late. Life is so chaotic, even though I don't have that much to manage- just myself and my fellowship. A fellowship, or what should I call it- it feels like much more. It's just a constant whir of events for which I'm taken on board. 

Sometimes I don't understand whether I'm going on an upward or downward path. 

Initially I'd joined medicine to change the face of healthcare in India, or at least that's what I told myself i shouldn't be afraid to dream about. Money would be no matter, money would come anyway. My goals had to be much bigger than that. 

But from there, as the years have passed, it's gone from "the face of healthcare in India" to maybe just one hospital, that follows my idea of ethics, doing good to the community that it services. And then, I just had the dream to become a consultant, run my own practice. From there, now, I just wish I could make enough money every month to buy the shoes and bag I want without asking my parents. But even that seems like a faraway dream. 

On the other hand, 4-5 years ago, when for the first time, I'd read about vNOTES, I remember thinking that THIS was my dream- this was how I'd advance Gynecology, becoming a vNOTES practitioner and reviving the gold standard of Gynecology while also giving patients the best possible state-of-the-art care they could find. But I had imagined myself old and experienced by the time I ever touched a vNOTES instrument; instead I've been participating in vNOTES weekly or even more often, right now. I imagined that Urogynecology would be a perfect branch for me to specialise in after a few years, but I've already started pursuing it! All the things I hoped for, and imagined that they might instead slip away as unrealised dreams-- are tangible right now. In a way that I'd never imagined it, in a way that makes me wonder if I'm even doing what I wanted, but it's visible from where I stand; just palpable but slips like sand if I try to grab on. 

Maybe that's just what a fellowship is. 

More than anything in my medical career, I've learnt patience and pain tolerance, in ways I can't explain or justify my self-victimisation when in fact, I'm living the dream of many. 

My mind is constant noise in this new life, and seldom useful- I'm always having to correct the mistakes of my impatience. 

And that, is my next mission. To slow down, to think carefully, to be thorough, to make sure, and to be right before I do something.

Here's to nothing! 

Snapped

Death is not always tragic. Sometimes it's the best possible scenario, when you know a patient has no chances of getting better. If someone in agony is never going to reach their previous normalcy, then there's no point in continuing. 

How many kinds of agony are there?

Physical, which we can see. But what about mental agony? 

I guess, in this country, or in the world, we're never going to treat those two things the same. Is it even true, that depression also sometimes exists in a way that simply cannot be treated? 

Losing a young patient to suicide is not expected in the department of Urogynaecology. Now that, is truly tragic. 

What is this to us? An unsolved puzzle? The loss of a great case report? A lost opportunity to maybe even advance the field? No, it was completely different. 

This was the first patient I'd ever let enter this deep into my life; I had thought of her so many times outside the hospital, over so many months, and prayed for a solution to the mysterious situation that had taken away her life as she knew it. 

The text message that conveyed the ending, was shattering. It would be simply self-serving and pathetic to speak much of the doctors' feelings in this situation - this loss is not ours, though we feel it. There is an empty space in the place where I used to hope for her, so willfully. I can't even imagine what her loved ones are going through. 

This is beyond tragic - An unfinished story of a new mother, a tender mind that had no hope left, or chose not to keep waiting around, a silent, losing battle that probably couldn't be seen or acknowledged by anyone else. A small baby who looks so much like her, probably totally unaware of her loss. 

I feel restless not knowing what I can do to help, not knowing how to make things better from here. The best I can do, is probably say a prayer that the situation bleeds the least possible pain from here onwards, at least. How can anything make it better? 

A person's chapter is never truly finished, not if they live on in the minds of the people that were influenced by them. And I was one of those people, influenced by her soft nature paired with immense strength. No matter what anyone says, I'll still believe that she was strong, and she fought hard, and tried her best, because I know she did. 

Onward and Upward, Always Forward

I once read a story about all the things that come close and whisk away, without ever leaving a whiff of their presence.

Some wondrous, others horrendous; these things that never happen would drive you crazy to know they exist, and that they came right up to your doorstep. Sometimes it's unnerving to think about the events that do occur- it's always just a minute step away from something drastically different. 

Just a single swerve that could have avoided an accident, or just a single habit that could have avoided a deadly disease. Just a mark lower that could lose you the rank, which got you a seat, that led to a job on which your life currently runs. 

And when you break it down further,

You really think about the last decision

And the things that led upto it, that made you do something a certain way; nothing more than a mood swing or a force of habit, sometimes just a whim. Unexplainable, just for the heck of it-- You might have done something out of the norm, that saved you from, or sacrificed you to horrific misery. 

If the weight of these decisions really start weighing in on us, I'm sure we'd spend a large part of life being painfully undecided and confused-- which would be another influencial decision on it's own! 

And probably this is why, you can never ask what if things had been different, because humans aren't creatures with authority big enough to ask, "what if"-- we live here, in the present, in the way it exists now. And every moment that we have something to be grateful for, we better be grateful and humbled for it. And when we are sinking in hot soup, all we can do, is to request, request to all the forces that may or may not exist, more powerful than us, to please lead these chance decisions of ours to a better place than we are on that day. 

The events of the past month have been unforeseen, crazy, and chaotic. But I think I've done a good job at not succumbing to my emotions, at being a rock, and doing what matters- even if I did some of them wrong. Beyond the critical care/operation theatre stands the family, and their place is right there. When the family tries too hard to control medicine, things go wrong. 

I don't know what led a single cell to mutate in a different way, and I don't know why it had to happen- I honestly don't want an answer to that question, because no answer can make me feel better about it. Onward and upward, always forward- this has to be the motto. 

Being Persistent

The past two years have been really humbling; it's been a roller coaster ride. (Mostly downward jolts with a few slow upward turns.) From being the boss where I was, to realising how little I knew about seniority and knowledge itself as an innocent post-graduate, once I got out of that course-- it's been a journey. 

I honestly wish I could share this with the seniors who treated me like I was nothing-- whom I know now, that they were almost equally just nothing. I'd like to think I kept it in mind while dealing with my own juniors. I hope I did that well. 

And most importantly, I'd like to pass on the thought to my juniors- remember that you're nothing, so it doesn't slap you in the face -- to me, it felt like a harsh cold wind on a snowy night whose existence I only found out about when I stepped outside my warm, heated home. You can feel like the queen of your home all you want, but it gives you no edge when you have to step out and survive in the wild. 

I used to think little of people who didn't dare to dream big. Of all the ways life limits us, they impose the very first limitation on themselves - their very own thoughts. 

Around 5 months back, I received a searing realisation, that put my right in my place. 

The need to dance like a monkey on social media for popularity (not just metaphorical).

Marketing, managing, entrepreneuring -- The requirement of skills I never had, and don't know if I can develop now; the lack of which is WHY I was a nerd who studied Medicine, in the first place! 

Nepotism, even in the field of medicine. 

Inevitably, other professionals managing to achieve the dreams I always wanted to, in a much faster way. 

Social media, constantly telling me that my life is NOT "#goals", and I was a fool to ever choose this path for myself.

The threat of corporate targets, to ruin my purpose in it's entirety. 

Need for permission to even touch a patient, or exercise the knowledge I have. 

Realisation that big dreams are for big people; even if they never dreamt of them. They are not for people with no traction or means. 

Being screamed at, feeling likened to a street dog. 

From there, the opportunities seemed meagre and the outlook, grim.  

Honestly when I quit my job, I just wanted a way out of medicine. Being a housewife seemed so attractive (as long as I didn't have to do any house work). 

But just recently, things have changed and I have started to dream again - differently, this time. Slowly. A new job, inspiring people, and some amazing conversations, have made me realise that people can make it, even if they stick to their ethics for an entire lifetime. 

GPDE: Good people DO exist, on the contrary to the words of cynic I knew from school. His ridicule of my goals had motivated me to defy him, by sticking to my path of good. 

But the goals have really changed, from confidence to inquisitiveness, independence to skill-acquisition, seniority to excellence. Impatience to persistence. From the goal of revolutionizing things to just taking it one patient at a time, being the best provider I can for each of them.

Revolutionizing needn't be cancelled; it can be put on hold simply till I find the means. But it's not forgotten. Slowly, up the ladder, one rung at a time. I've been appreciating myself at each step, thanking God, the universe, parents, mentors, my husband, friends and/or whoever else supports me to continue on this path. ❤️

Happiness

I used to think that happiness would come from achieving your dreams; I realised that it could come from learning to settle with and appreciate whatever you managed to accomplish. 

I used to think that happiness would come from winning things; I realised that it comes from enjoying whatever you do, and that's the kind of person that finds victory even in loss. 

I used to think that happiness would come from attaining a certain body weight or figure; I realised that it could come by changing my goals to health instead of beauty. 

I used to think that happiness would come from living at home with the people and comforts I'm used to; I realised that it could come from learning to enjoy my new life, and cooking to music. 

I used to think that happiness would come from a degree of luxury and aesthetics in my surroundings; I realised that it can come from the pleasant breeze from the window of any damp, dark room I'm sitting in, if I can bring my mind to truly experience it. 

I used to think that happiness would come from being with a person who was exactly the way I imagined- someone who could read my mind and entertain my every whim; I realised it can come from appreciating my partner, learning to love his personality just the way it is, and from feeling his love when he doesn't delay giving me the things for which I actually ask. 

I used to think that happiness came from making big things happen; I realised that it's more of a state of mind than a result of external entities. 

It sounds like a clichè, but it is so for a reason. 

Still 30

Getting older; What a vague phenomenon

Does it stand for anything?

Is 30 really a milestone?

A milestone that provokes change?

Or just something that comes and goes

I guess it depends on what you make it

Me? Well, I want to become kinder--

Kind to people around me

With empathy and compassion

A sweet tone- but real, not fake,

Which takes the sincere effort

Of putting myself in the other's shoes.

I want to be the kind of person

That's a substitute for medicine

Whose voice, like honey

And presence, like healing herbs

Can cure.

I want to be kind to my body

Stop overeating as a means

To kill boredom and sadness

Stop drinking and eating the things

That it gets injured by processing.

I want to learn the right way

To take care of these things

And not do whatever was taught to me

And easy because

It's already a formed habit.

I want to give it love, peace

And moderation

Which will help it to help me

For as long as the years are to come.

I want to be kind to my mind;

I want to stop doing the things

That make me hate myself

From guilt and regret

Like speaking (and throwing) things

Out of temper and impatience.

To stop blaming stress

For the lack of creativity

That used to make me love myself;

To realise that

It's actually an addiction--

To a non-living object

That provides endless entertainment

So I never get to (or have to) face

My very own thoughts.

I want to cook with love

Sing with grace

Suture with skill

And be mentally present

For all of these.

I want to be kind

To the passion of my past;

To gather the knowledge

That makes me relevant to the world

And rekindle lost dreams,

And turn them into ambitions,

Plans, and new endeavors. 

30

So I'm 30! I guess I should be upset that I'm not longer in my twenties; on the contrary, I'm really happy to be where I think I belonged all along. 

I'm excited to step away from the peripheries of the limelight and voluntarily sink into the shadows. It's great to be done with the age where I'm supposed to be the centre of attraction, but never was anyway, always creating a sense of failure or of not being good enough. I'm excited to reach the age where what matters is what I do and say and not (as much) how I look. 

I'm excited to be adult enough to not be bogged down by everyone else's expectations, to be mature enough to understand that I can't do everything. Out of those, I will choose my own expectations from myself and strive to achieve them and be satisfied. 

And I'm excited to finally choose myself, to choose comfort and happiness in the way that I want them. I'm excited to be done with high school and college gossips, to be done with the ifs and buts of a relationship and just fix my marriage in stone. I'm excited to try and be a good wife, which is different from trying to be a good girlfriend in the way that it's not for anyone else's eyes except our own. 

I'm excited to be at an age where I'm no longer lost or confused about my identity. I know myself, my strengths and weaknesses, and I don't have to hide them because I'm not ashamed of them anymore. Of course I'm still malleable but I know what comes easy to me and what not. 

I'm excited to work on making myself stronger and more capable, in ways that make my life better and more worth living. To more exercise and antioxidants. I hope it goes well.