When I've got gossip, you're all ears

But when I need you, you're gone like that

When I'm upset, it doesn't stop you

When I cry, you roll your eyes

When I try and give you signals

You scream, 'Get out of my way'

When I say, 'I need a shoulder'

You just turn away

When I walk off, you make fun of it

I expect you to come after me

and see if I'm okay

You make me feel like you don't want me

But Daddy always said...

Don't expect them to react your way

Put that smile back up where it looks best

And save those pearls for this isn't worth 'em

I told you, baby, I have enough love

To make up for them all. :)

Get out of me :S

There's this voice that follows me everywhere and keeps talking to me like some kind of an irritating woman who doesn't have it in her nature to stay quiet.
When I'm talking to someone new, it keeps defining them even before I know them completely. And then it tells me I'm being a bad person and that I shouldn't judge. When I'm being responsible, it tells me I should go have fun. And when I succumb to it, it nags me to get back to work. And then when I'm writing an exam, it JUST doesn't stop trying to calculate how many questions I might get right. And then it worries all about how whenever I expect a particular kind of result, the opposite happens. Then it tries to convince me to believe that the opposite of what I want will happen, so that what I want is what actually will happen. (And what it turns out to be, in the end, is always completely different, anyway :|)
And now it's telling me that posting this isn't really such a great idea.

Oh, shut up. 

We all are under the rule of those two
The two powerful monarchs
Monarchs by the name Duty and Desire
They are chosen not by men
But men chosen by them
And mankind is segregated so.
Some that are voluntary slaves of willpower
and others that seek aimless pleasure.
These are the ones that achieve
joy, and what we call peace of mind.
But the ones of concern are those
which are possessed by none
They are not left isolated
but shared equally by both
for the two may be pleasing individually
but are dire enemies
and exist together only if at war.
War in which they destroy not one another
but the battleground -
The life they're fighting over.

You aren't the only man in the race
The rest aren't your on-lookers
So stop pretending that you're at war with the world
because they're all busy fighting those who are tougher
How does it matter how hard you tried
How does it make a difference if you're badly bruised
The tears you shed are but a joke
That whiny voice is unbelievably hilarious
Those complaints are simply comical
No person will sympathize except the one in the mirror
So stop; pick a choice-
Immerse your eyes in pretense tears, drag your feet along the way
Cringe and crawl away, still unnoticed when all is done
Or make your way through the crowd
Stay determined till you earn the slot at the top
And walk away triumphantly as they still applaud you.

Sunny Side Up :D

Know that you're too dumb to keep up with science? Tell them it isn't cool enough for you. Can't fit into a system? Name it stupid. Too fat to fit into size M? Say that you've got curves. Find it impossible to make a map of directions in your head? Call it the "driver's job". Couldn't make it to a college in 2012, the legendary year in which everyone was supposed to die? Claim to have made it in the year that survived. Hon, those grapes have always been sour. :)

New goals and a new beginning

It's the start of a new phase.
Getting up drastically late every morning, tensely rushing off to college with goals much higher than last time in mind, trying not to doze off in first period (which is incidentally Chemistry), waiting impatiently till lunch, and till five-thirty p.m. after that, literally fluttering on the main road, screeching "Begumpet! BEGUMPET!" at every yellow and black transport vehicle like I'm trying to sell Begumpet, until I find an auto driver who's pitiful enough to get me home at a reasonable price.
As messed up as it sounds, I actually like it :)

Long time since I've blogged. I know I decided not to, but I've broken every other rule I made for myself, so why not the only senseless one? And please excuse me if I spell anything wrong or mess up my grammar; I've been lousy at things lately.
So I'm dropping a year. Big deal? Yep, that's a big deal. All my friends (and I blame myself for having nerd friends rather than for not working hard enough) have already taken admission in the best colleges around, and I'm going to be their junior. It didn't matter when I thought of it at first, but now it kind of pricks. When I see those posters with gleaming faces of people I know, some who weren't even as bright as me once.
But maybe it's okay. There're so many things I wouldn't have learnt if I'd been busy studying, and yes, that isn't an excuse, but it is true. Lots of morals and a whole load of laughter. So many jokes and so many friends. Even friends who know and care for me, and will mostly continue to do so for the rest of my life. Maybe to someone else, it wouldn't sound like a lot in exchange to what they've got. But to me, it's a lot. And I'm glad I had it, even if it costed me a year.

It's a maze with no exit

You take a by-pass to avoid the rough road; all the ones ahead are rougher. Life doesn't let you off that easy. You have to learn, you have to experience and you have to suffer it out. You call yourself the master of your own fate but you haven't even seen the rule book. You can't run and you can't hide. You can die, but you don't know what follows after.

Quarreling is probably the most disturbing thing on a pleasant, breezy Friday afternoon, when all you'd meant to do was catch a whiff of fresh air and hang out with a friend, but that guy drove you to make a mental note- to stick a wand up his nose when he behaves like a troll the next time; he's been doing that too often lately. Nobody can rip apart your self respect like that, not even the guy who'd spent his teen years listening to you selfishly rant about your trifling matters - make that your trifling life- and henceforth landed up as the owner of a tea stall instead of a Microsoft-alike.
My dear friend, allow me to shove your face into the real picture; and while we're at it, don't forget to take in the stench of yourself. You aren't trying to save your self respect, you fool of an ass, you're protecting your ego. Your mountain of ego that stands mighty, alone, isolated from every other profitable emotion, reigning over them all. Don't turn your back to it; you know it's true. It's even more amusing when you finally decide to accept it; you claim, "Yes, I have a huge ego" with immense pride, like an ego is the most glorious of the degrees they get.
It's funny how a word of criticism can wipe clean the love that guy's been depositing in your pathetic excuse for a heart all these years. You think you're perfect, but you're being oblivious of the fact that you're only looking at the world from the cobweb infected corner of your dark, depressing cave that you reside in. You're flawed. And all he did was point it out. His intention was to help you better yourself; but defying all common sense and proof, you conveniently assumed of your own account that he had a dark, ulterior motive to kill you. You're like a maniac that's been hit on the head with a brick; you need to be rushed to a mental asylum.

Poogly, that's what it is.

Poogly /poo-glee/ adj. 
1) petty, little.
2) unimportant from a given framework.
3) insignificant, negligible.
Yes, that's what it means!

Say what you want to and scream adamantly that it's right.
Do what you feel like and irrationally justify yourself.
Jump, shout, wrestle; in the end, make sure you get your way.
Act crazy and claim that it's the new sane. 
Maybe that's what it's all about! ^_^

Four days and a couple of Insights

In the four days, I got on a running train, travelled in the general compartment in the train, shared a dormitory with about fifty other people, slept without a functioning fan on, and waited in a never-ending line for food. Wow. Life's got more to it that just cribbing about having to study in my room with the AC on. Some people have it so hard.
When I was leaving the temple, I thought about it for a minute and I told myself that unlike the others who claimed to have taken re-birth, I haven't changed at all. 
But coming back to my bed with it's Care Bears comforter makes me realise that I'm different from what I was...Four days and a couple of insights, that's all it takes to change someone so much?

Most of the time when people make me want to break their jaw, I just ignore the impulse and slip away silently. I pacify myself saying that my actions prove that I've skipped five levels of maturity. But now when I've got them all piled up like that, maybe the pride of skipping maturity levels isn't good enough to fill in. I've left so many things unsaid, just because I know that they won't understand. It's so hard for a person to get in sync with your own thoughts-even when they do try. Even worse, they might not care. Most people care for your feelings only to the extent of where they might be blamed. I can't help but wonder, what would have happened if I did scream my feelings out at the moment? They'll never know; they'll never know that they were being stupid. They'll live their entire life in the notion that they were always right. Maybe I'd get into a nasty disagreement, but atleast it wouldn't haunt me like it does now.

I've developed a fascination for clouds. Yup, you heard right.. Clouds. They're so magnificient that they make the most gigantic of man made buildings look like a tiny harmless spot. But they don't look hostile or threatning; they're friendly... even loving, if you look properly. :)

I never knew Goodbyes could be so happy...!

My nose was squashed against the window of the car as I waved the stupid yellow signboard and the building behind it goodbye with a huge grin on my face. I never knew goodbyes could be so happy. If I'm ever going back there, it's going to be only to collect my memo and give that maniac Principal a piece of my mind.
Yup, I didn't think I could be so disrespectful. But he's only the worst excuse for a Principal that ever existed, so I guess it's alright. Plus, over the course, we've called him much worse things.
Well if I put aside the crazy heirarchy system and the horrendous OMR that was supposed to decide my life, I'm actually glad these two years happened to me. A single bit of what I've read in books won't do me any good in life but luckily, that's not all I've learnt. I've learnt quite a lot.
I've learnt that self respect is the most important thing. Being a voluntary doormat for somebody isn't going to get you their love or friendship. I've learnt never to choose between my friends; to always stay Switzerland and shut the bloody hell up. I've learnt not to fall for sweet words that people may tantalise me with and not to trade those in for the most important things in my life, like maybe my parents. I've learnt that I'm not supposed to give myself completely to something that I know isn't worth it. Most importantly, I've been told, and have experienced, that most of the time, all you need to solve your problems is a smile.
I've experienced extremes- I know what it's like to be surrounded by people of all kinds who love me, and I know what it feels like to be isolated. I know the pride of being the topper, and I know know the shame of having your name at the absolute bottom of the list.
I've overcome fears of so many kinds (*cough cockroaches cough cough*) and I've developed the courage to straightforwardly say what I want.
Maybe it's all the depression from those black and white books that's made me realise how much I love writing; something I'll never give up.
I've really, really discovered myself. :)

The bleak, empty walls of my room no longer share the special tongue that they once used to with my mind's eye, urging it to sore into the open skies into the world of it's own choice. They now display to me no character other than their extreme opaque whiteness. How much longer do I sit here, with my over worked left brain refusing like a stubborn child to absorb any more of the printed matter that lies ahead of me? The only thought that comes to my mind is the reccurrent question that smites as long as I'm conscious- How long does it take for a person to simply perish of no lethal disease other than just doing nothing? Maybe I'll eventually evaporate into thin air, thoughtlessly idle, doing neither myself nor the world an ounce of good. Each second passes by like a millenium as a wait for something to happen; even an indication of something to happen. I feel like old Tithonus, waiting for a miracle to sweep me into the land that mentally already reside in- nothingness.

The Musings of a Seventeen Year Old

When I turn around and let myself slip into contemplation over the considerable insignificant incidents of my existence on this planet (and please keep in mind that I am referring to a comparatively small period of seventeen years, the age which shoots into the mind a picture of an irrational young girl, as the elders may have it, with inexperience of what many may call "life"), I find a vast expanse of knowledge to seek from each success, each failure that I have so far come across, so vast that god forbid by some catastrophe I shall have no chance to experience my life any further, I could while away a good seventy-eighty years just pondering over my silly actions and irrevocable decisions that now fill my heart with remorse due to the turn of events that they might have led to, exploiting philosophically all that I possibly can from those few that exist, turning wiser by the second, maybe ending up even wise enough to complete the rest of my life with just these few lessons; if this be the wisdom offered to one by life even before the painful arrival of their wisdom tooth, that offered to a person for forty, or sixty years old can positively make you read to experience in every realm, any kind of sorrow, any kind of agony, or any kind of negative feeling of any sort since thereafter, you would only think of hurt or pain spiritually instead of emotionally, so the next time something comes your way to throw you off your track of happiness, burst your bubble with it's sharp edges, give your lacrimal glands a break and THINK, learn, make a new, stronger bubble which is effectively resistant to the same kind of obstacles that it's failed to conquer before, as many times as you have to, until you finally find your way to the secret list of ingredients to make one that's entirely pop-free. :)

I had a dream.

I don't have it anymore.
Subjecting myself to two years of pure agony didn't do the trick, I guess.
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
Okay I do.
But whatever. I'm not going to weep and rant. This was more or less expected.
Though I know I've let every person who had any kind of hope on me down, I'm going to talk about positive things!
Maybe life just has something better in store for me. Maybe I wasn't meant to become to bring about a medical revolution in villages. Maybe my dreams are just supposed to be bigger. :)
These two years have taught me a lot of lessons. And they've given me the best of friends. I'll always keep them with me and everything that they've done to change me for the good. I'm glad to have had all the experiences I had. I've learnt to love myself for what I am, and I won't let some stupid rote system change that.

A little girl I remember

I remember the four year old kid who asked her father if he could 'please BUY a sister for her from the market'. I remember the five year old who screamed at bawled all the while that she was left alone, till her mother was back from Save-on, which was right next door. I remember the six year old who said 'cheese' everytime there a picture being taken just to show off the huge gap in her mouth where her front teeth used to be. I remember the seven year old who believed that infinity people died when the World Trade Centre was knocked down. I remember the eight year old who felt as though supreme, just because she knew multiplication tables long before her class did.
I remember the girl who dreamed of beating the world record for the youngest child to publish a book. I remember the Dad that told his little girl that a doctor was the greatest person in the world, and I remember the little girl who wanted to be the greatest person in the world.
She was impractical and maybe even a teeny bit stupid. But she believed in herself so much, and usually proved that she deserved to be believed in. When she didn't, she ignored it and began another mission to
prove how amazing she could be. I wonder what happened to that girl.

Finally! ^_^

It's been a while since I've really felt alive. Staying put for thirteen hours in a goddamn place, and still getting absolutely nowhere can do that to you. Even if the room is air conditioned. Everytime someone finishes a lesson before me, it feels terrifying to know that I can't be as fast. Everytime I can't get a question in a test, it's more scary that someone else will get it than it is that I can't. And everytime I see my name in the bottom half of the marks-list, it feels like I've been stabbed.
But not anymore. I can't put up with that heck of a rat race. Because I'm not a rat. And neither am I a gadha, or a machine! I'm human, and I'm going to start reminding myself that.
I didn't go to the hell hole today! ^_^
I finished writing something that's been on hold, painted my nails, watched a twenty minute episode of Two and a Half Men, had a long conversation with my mom, went shopping, and made my own Maggi for dinner. I have an exam tomorrow, and I'm not more prepared than I ever was for an exam. But I'm not less prepared than ever before, either. Yes, I'll end up with the same score as always. But hey, atleast this time it was worth it :)

Ode to Rapunzel :)

"Do you think you're smart? If you think so, it doesn't imply that you have the legitimacy of getting a rank when there's somebody who's working double as hard as you."

Those words hit me like a tight slap on my face today.

There's thirty four days left.

My position is still hopeless. Everybody is ahead of me.

I don't think I stand a chance anymore. I don't see a point in trying.

I am fed up of this stupid cycle. It has pain in every stage of it.

I hate my life at this point. I have no way out of this.

Yes, I feel like giving up.

But I won't... I'll push myself past all the pain and keep working for it, because some of the greatest things in the world are achieved by people who didn't give up when there seemed to be no hope at all.

And I owe a special thanks to a particular person who saved my life by making me realise that.

Thank you... I love you, rapunzel :)

I don't know what made me write this one... :)

I like the colour of sea water at the beach in Dubai. I love wearing my dad's loose shirts. Using wrong grammar gives me bliss. I fall so easily for compliments. I love getting a smile onto other's face. I love talking. Writing makes me feel good. I take forever to dress up every morning. I like kajal. I love harry potter. I like my handwriting, even though it's not legible. I really think learning is fun, if it's done in the right way. I actually like having glasses. I'm always late everywhere. Tearing paper makes me happy. I have cartoons that I drew ages ago, still stuck on my wall. Making someone else upset is the worst feeling in the world to me. I hate it when someone says something against my language or my country. I'm a total sucker for handmade gifts. I hate losing erasers. I love the feeling of a new diary. I have to put all my might into use to keep a tiny little secret. I don't laugh; I cackle. I like heels. I can't sleep without my care bear comforter that I've been using since I was seven. I still miss my old cabin bed. I like having my own little corner. I don't like people seeing me when I cry. When anyone treats me special, I feel on top of the world. I have a drawer at the very end of my room where I have every memory that I've saved since I was five, and I'll never lose them.

I argue with my parents all day, but I can't live without them. I like cold water more than coke. I can survive on pizza. I think the smell of petrol is wonderful. I've always been considered shy; but I'm also very frank. I can never stop admiring how good my blog looks. I'm a little short tempered, and I suck at hiding my emotions. I never know how to answer when somebody is mean to me. Sometimes, I feel absolutely beautiful, and I love that feeling.

Yes, I'm girly... but I am a girl.
Yes, I'm kiddish... but I am a kid.

Yes, I'm kind of stupid... but it makes me happy. :)

A piece of my heart...

What makes an amazing school isn't shiny new benches, fully equipped labratories or great infrastructure...

It's the scope to develop into exactly who you choose to be, with all the right conditions to encourage and appreciate that person you've chosen to grow into.

At mine, we had a meagre playground, airy classrooms and the best teachers on Earth. Term after term, we battled for that half extra mark... Year after year, we stood first in the ICSE board. We begged to save the one P.T. period we got once in a couple of weeks. We won every interschool debate, (and lost every football match)... :P

From copying during mid-terms, to class punishments, we had a blast doing things that weren't even supposed to be fun.

Gitanjali is where I've met the people who've taught me the most important lessons in life... It's where I've laughed my wits out with my first real friends.

There, at the very end of that crummy lane, lies the place that's taught me to seek knowledge; my abode of happy memories. There lies my school. :)



Suddenly I remember what a couple of my friends used to call me in the 10th grade - "topperji". It was then, and again only today. Ofcourse, I was never really a 'topper', but being called that feels good, even if its actually meant to annoy you.

What happened today was nothing big at all... It was tiny; a tiny indication that maybe I still have some of 'it' left in me. Just maybe... :)

:')

I had my book out in front of me, and I was studying. A bug flew in through the open, meshless window that I was facing. It died on my book. I took a paper, swept the insect into it with another paper, and threw it outside.
^
Isolovehowimchanging.

Those of you who know me well enough, you'll know why I posted this. O:)

Wow...

There was this point where I was disconcerted by everything that'd been happening... I was coming apart like I hadn't in a pretty long time. People had said so many things... to me, about me. They'd shown outright how they didn't care. Nobody would understand.

And then there's always the problem that that wasn't what I was supposed to be doing just then. Boy, wouldn't have this been easier if it was just a battle against the world. No, it was a battle within myself, too. But there was just too much to do, and I didn't know where to start. I tried, and failed. Nobody was happy with me. I wasn't happy with myself. Nothing was working out.

I tried to distract my thoughts by scrolling down on my facebook homepage.

Something someone'd shared.

That was so right.

I scrolled a little further down.

Wow.

A little further down.

I guess I knew what I should be doing now, huh?

Was that a miracle, or what?

I'm all I need.

Sometimes people can be so illogical and unpredictable. So selfish and unbelievable.
If he wanted to let go, why did he work ever so hard to make me believe that I could lay my faith in him?
I don't need anybody else to rest my faith in. I don't need their support.
I know that no matter what happens, i'll always be the first priority to myself; and nobody will take that place. Forever and always, i'll believe in myself like nobody ever did, and that's going to make things work out for me. It doesn't matter how many people put me down or treated me like crap. There's a person in this universe who'll never leave my side. And even if it does sound a little psychotic, yeah, that's me.

Remember when...

Getting high, meant swinging in the playground.
The worst thing you can get from boys were cooties.
Ur worst enemies were your siblings.
Race issues were who ran the fastest.
War was just a card game.
The only drug you knew of was cough medicine.
& wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut.
The only things you smoked were the tires on your bike.
The only thing that hurt were skinned knees.
& the only things that can be broken were your toys?

I remember the days when one of my friends used to ask, "Can you keep a secret?" before telling me something, and I used to say, "Can I tell my mom? I don't keep secrets from her."

... I don't want to grow up anymore.

My special spot :)

It was an evening after a very sleepy afternoon. I'd decided to get to work at five, but I fell asleep on my book instead. Again. When I got up, I decided this wasn't working anymore. I wanted to get out of the room; out of the house. I wanted air. College changed so much about me, I thought as I walked out of the front door, involuntarily walking upstairs to the terrace. I'd stopped watching; I'd stopped observing. I walked around the whole terrace stupidly once; I didn't know what to do. It was kind of breezy and cold. Better than the house all day. And then I remembered; when I was a kid, in all the books I read, the lead character always had their own special spot. The place where they could contemplate, dream, whatever. I'd always wanted one of my own, but I never really had one. But I did have my own spot! I walked around to the back, opened a door that looked undisturbed for a pretty long time, and walked up a few stairs behind, adjoining the wall. I crouched and swung myself below a railing that came up to my waist, and I was there.
Noone else ever came here. I wondered if anyone even knew this place existed. Nobody could see me unless I leaned over and explicitly showed myself to be up there. It was more breezy and cool than the rest of the terrace.
That was my place. I just hadn't thought of it like that before. There was nothing really special about it, but it just had a WHOLE lot of memories. I'd brought all my friends up here before, and I have pictures with all of them there. I remembered this one time when I came here to study, in eighth grade. I remember when I found that I could see my best friend's terrace, closeby, from here. We used to wave to eachother when I was up there. It was above the rest of the terrace, and one of the tallest things in the whole expanse of what I could see. I could see flights take off from the old airport here. I didn't know my city had as much greenery. I didn't know my apartments were so beautiful.