As I settle into my bed on the floor with my laptop, the waxing of a persistent, pulsating dull ache at the back of my head reminds me that everything is now different. My mind blanks out as the pain takes over my thoughts. As it wanes away, I feel that I didn't need that reminder. This change is something that's already on my mind.
A teddy bear hug, a deep conversation away from normalcy, I miss the sweet nothings I always knew never to take for granted. The love that used to scare me, for what would happen when it wouldn't be at my disposal?
All my discomfort anticipated by those who surround me, distancing it from me before I can even realize what would have hit me. Being able to fall sick and knowing beforehand that I'd be taken care of, always choosing to take the leap knowing that I'd be rescued before I hit the ground-- Oh, what a luxury it was!
And now, ants. Ants all around me, I feel like a whole different person when I simply flick them away rather than squealing and screaming like my original self. There's always a point when the drama over touching insects has to die. That point, is probably when you begin to anticipate the entry of rats into your life.
A couple of empty vessels giggling, gossiping without shame in a grave area amidst a serious situation. A middle-aged woman given an unfit degree and job up to which she's never strove to live. Are these the people I am to look up to now? This is what put everything into question. Pain will always be welcome with me, even if not with a smile, but only if it is the cost of growth. Here, I feel myself wither away. The good parts of me slowly fade away like my headache, only to reappear time and again, a painful reminder that things will never be the same again. Will they one day be completely obsolete?
Will that be the end of this story?
...
That morbid stench that persisted throughout this post-- sometimes all it needs is a cup of my most recent obsession, black coffee (a liking that resulted from the newfound lack of milk in my life), a damp shirt from the light mist that's sprayed on me by the sky even as I glare at it from my personal balcony, a red bottle of Hit spray with a narrow nozzle, a short refreshing nap, just the right amount of food (that isn't forced on me), nasha with brand new, caring, genuine people who I've suddenly discovered right under my nose this whole time, humming softly along with a new playlist of feel-good songs, a comfortable conversation with an old friend, a couple of hours of study to put everything into perspective, the peace and quiet to finish this post-- these are some of the things that can make everything better at once.
And there's the phenomenon that will make everything worth it-- the handful of warmth that my heart will feel every time that I can possibly afford, the gentle flow of strength and affection that comes around whenever I ask for it, the watchful eye that makes me feel secure like never before.🤍
