I honestly wish I could share this with the seniors who treated me like I was nothing-- whom I know now, that they were almost equally just nothing. I'd like to think I kept it in mind while dealing with my own juniors. I hope I did that well.
And most importantly, I'd like to pass on the thought to my juniors- remember that you're nothing, so it doesn't slap you in the face -- to me, it felt like a harsh cold wind on a snowy night whose existence I only found out about when I stepped outside my warm, heated home. You can feel like the queen of your home all you want, but it gives you no edge when you have to step out and survive in the wild.
I used to think little of people who didn't dare to dream big. Of all the ways life limits us, they impose the very first limitation on themselves - their very own thoughts.
Around 5 months back, I received a searing realisation, that put my right in my place.
The need to dance like a monkey on social media for popularity (not just metaphorical).
Marketing, managing, entrepreneuring -- The requirement of skills I never had, and don't know if I can develop now; the lack of which is WHY I was a nerd who studied Medicine, in the first place!
Nepotism, even in the field of medicine.
Inevitably, other professionals managing to achieve the dreams I always wanted to, in a much faster way.
Social media, constantly telling me that my life is NOT "#goals", and I was a fool to ever choose this path for myself.
The threat of corporate targets, to ruin my purpose in it's entirety.
Need for permission to even touch a patient, or exercise the knowledge I have.
Realisation that big dreams are for big people; even if they never dreamt of them. They are not for people with no traction or means.
Being screamed at, feeling likened to a street dog.
From there, the opportunities seemed meagre and the outlook, grim.
Honestly when I quit my job, I just wanted a way out of medicine. Being a housewife seemed so attractive (as long as I didn't have to do any house work).
But just recently, things have changed and I have started to dream again - differently, this time. Slowly. A new job, inspiring people, and some amazing conversations, have made me realise that people can make it, even if they stick to their ethics for an entire lifetime.
GPDE: Good people DO exist, on the contrary to the words of cynic I knew from school. His ridicule of my goals had motivated me to defy him, by sticking to my path of good.
But the goals have really changed, from confidence to inquisitiveness, independence to skill-acquisition, seniority to excellence. Impatience to persistence. From the goal of revolutionizing things to just taking it one patient at a time, being the best provider I can for each of them.
Revolutionizing needn't be cancelled; it can be put on hold simply till I find the means. But it's not forgotten. Slowly, up the ladder, one rung at a time. I've been appreciating myself at each step, thanking God, the universe, parents, mentors, my husband, friends and/or whoever else supports me to continue on this path. ❤️
