Just Keep Swimming!

My days have become so dreadfully monotonous. There's no choice except to do the task at hand. Any minor deviation is both a relief and a pain, because it gives a temporary relief, but also a little extra stress. I miss my internship, running hither and thither like the world depends on it, going from one needy patient to the other, and going to bed at night actually feeling like I've made a difference.
Maybe I'll get back there, just maybe, in spite of barriers like IQ and reservations, maybe I'll make it. I'm scared to say it aloud; I might jinx it. I'm also worried that there's absolutely no possibility to be jinxing. Low self-esteem? I don't think so, just an incredibly difficult exam to write with minute chances of getting the result I crave for.
I already know the answer to this ennui, anyway: just keep swimming; keep going forward, bit by bit, and enjoy the swim. But don't fret it too much, because there's a little secret most people don't know. You don't have to do anything to prevent yourself from drowning. So when you're too tired, just let go, and leave it to the water. You'll sink a bit at the start, but the waves manage to float you to the top almost right away-- only if you trust them to, and let go.
That's what I did in the pool yesterday, I just let go, and lay on my back. I gazed into the infinite night sky, a couple of grey clouds in the periphery of my view. The palm trees further below had let go as well, letting their leaves sway and rustle with the whimsical wind, just as I had surrendered myself to the blue, bubbling, shimmering waters illuminated here and there by orange light seeping through it and slowly fading away. It was heavenly, the imperfections conveniently disregarded by my myopic eyes.
Oh that I could stay that way, with life taking me slowly, gently, safely wherever it pleases, towards all possibilities desirable and soothing, not much different from the journey itself; but maybe that's not how it's meant to be, because these moments of stillness would never be appreciated if they weren't such a rarity.

Disease.

When we're talking about diseases, it's all a spectrum right? Everyone is a little disabled; if I made a list of all the quirks/diseases I have, you'd be surprised because you wouldn't have guessed that I have them. But most people do, so you could run into a random smiling lady in the street, and not know that she fought breast cancer. Or maybe just lipomas up her arms, ruining her appearance, hidden by those full sleeves? You could be gawking at a handsome man and not know that he had an asthma attack last night. Or you could see a intelligent, well respected woman and not know that she spent her childhood suffering in a hospital from pneumonia. You could look at a guy having a scrumptious lunch and not even know that it is his cheat day; just a few months ago, he vomited massive amounts of blood because of an ulcer.

Speaking of being a spectrum, everything fits on this spectrum; maybe even being overweight, which lowers your exercise capacity or shortens your breath compared to others your age. Maybe even having a darker skin colour so you don't show up in photos if you're not in a well lit place. Or having a genetically lower IQ, that prevents you from achieving what you want?
Maybe being too fair, too short, too tall, too thin, too smart-- these all could be disabilities, too.
Maybe that embarrassment, the feeling of disability and incapacity is shared by every single person on this planet, except those who are proud and delusional, and honestly, that is the worst disease that needs treatment immediately.

Of course I don't know how bad your disease hurts you. Or how badly it disables you. And no one can take away that pain from you, and for that, you'll be a warrior overcoming your hurdles. Like Van Gogh who is said to be colourblind-- doesn't that just make his work SO much more fascinating? When you know Selena Gomez has SLE, doesn't it hold you in awe that she can still do amazing work in spite of such crappy health? The movies that Amitabh Bachhan made after his diagnosis of Myasthenia gravis are even more impressive than the ones before it. When you watch Hrithik Roshan deliver a dialogue in a movie, you know he's good at hitting you in the feels. But when you know he suffers from a stutter, you realise it's something great.

Seek help; don't let yourself get struck down by your health. Obstacles are meant to challenge you, to give you something to push past. Don't wallow in them, instead, let them inspire you. And when you achieve greatness, speak up, so others can be inspired by you.