Hard not to feel dejected at the sad state of affairs of doctors and medicine in general. Alas, even medicine is held at the mercy of business, marketing, advertising and smart publicity. All the morals and ethics I might have adopted along this 10 year journey seem waste. What was the point of learning to put a patient's needs ahead of my own sleep, nourishment and even bladder needs? It's clear that doctors who practise that way will have empty waiting rooms unless they learn to sell themselves. From 10 years, life was tough but I never hated learning. Now I hate everything that I'm learning; it's making me despise myself as well. What was all this hard work for? What's the use of any hard work I may put in the future? It will never be enough when I don't want to have to acquire the so-called "tricks of the trade". It feels cheap and degrading.
It was better working in a public hospital and contributing where they really needed it, blaming the government from time to time for paucity of resources, but giving it the best I could.
I wanted to go back after learning everything I needed to, to give the best of justice to whoever seeks my care, but it seems impossible. In such a highly competitive world, who wants to help or even allow me to learn?
A few weeks ago, I felt I was at a crossroads with an impossible decision. Now I feel I'm at a dead end. Unable to learn the skills I require to serve the way I want, unable to push forward and become better, unable to fight dirty and get ahead... adult life with no kind of guidance or direction whatsoever. I feel so lost. I really want to leave this profession.
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